1st Anniversary

One year ago today I got married for the first and only time. I don't really remember too much about the day, other than it was fun and nerve-wracking at the same time. I'd never had the little girl dreams about big white weddings. I had assumed from a very young age (like, less than 12) that I never would get married. But there I was, exchanging vows.

How has being married changed things? Not too much. The "love and honour" part was already ingrained into our life-style. I still ponder what to call my ... partner, because "wife" doesn't really cut it. So I say "spouse" and "partner" instead. Unfortunately we are not having a big celebration today because we each have a lot of work to get done before July 1st. At least we are in the same mind-frame about work (we both hate it more and more) but we get it done.

I dreamt last night that I was talking to my mother (deceased 14 yrs) and telling her about the marriage. I have infrequent dreams where I am talking to her, catching her up on stuff. They feel different than regular dreams, which always makes me wonder if in fact there's a bit of other-dimensional stuff happening. Who knows. It's probably because we just watched all of this year's L Word episodes in a few hours and death scenes always makes me remember the sense of numbness and inability to process information that occured after my mother died. I didn't get emotional watching things before then, but ever since, I have no control.

Still have work to do on the Dadroom. Ordering new drapes, new lights, new carpet. Painting. New shelving for the cupboard, new rod for the closet, new new new. It is going to be a big change. Are we ready psychologically? Probably not.